Fast forward to next year. It's Sunday afternoon. You're settlingin to watch the Redskins play the Giants, part of the NFC coverage onthe Fox network. You tune in Fox's pregame show, and this is what youhear and see:
'Whaddup! I'm your host, Martin, and the homeys are IN THEHOOOOOOUSE! We got Christina Applegate in the house - the babe-o-licious Kelly Bundy on `Married ... With Children' - she gets us downwith a special report on Sex At The Pregame Meal!; gotta be dope. Wegot David Alan Grier and Damon Wayans, the Men On Film from `InLiving Color.' They're gonna be live - in the Dallas LOCKER ROOOOOM!Oh, that'll be schweeeet. And we got `Cops' on a steroid bust inminicamp! Hang with us. Gonna be a game there somewhere. Yo! Later...'
Hmmmmm.
I didn't know Fox had an interest in sports. I knew they had 'TheSimpsons.' I hadn't heard it was about O.J.
I'm over 40, so I don't watch the Fox network. Nobody my age does.If you told me 'The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.' was about asmall parcel of land that was gerrymandered out of Brisco County, I'dbelieve you.
I know Fox aims at the youth (and schlock) market. I'm assumingthat almost every hour on Fox you can see a half-naked woman, a musicvideo and a high school cafeteria.
The question is: How do you market football to youth?
Probably not with Pat Summerall, the Perry Como of play-by-play.
I love Summerall. But I'm old. I'm a guy who heard 'Beverly Hills90210' and thought it was a phone number.
I look forward to Fox doing the NFC with great anticipation.
I look forward to Al Bundy as a sideline reporter - slouchingthere, hang-dog, grouchy, his hand hooked under his belt, telling usthat football isn't nearly as tough as selling shoes.
I look forward to an all-animated halftime show. Bart at thetelestrater, showing Homer and Marge how plays develop.
Bart: 'Okay, freeze it! Check out Jerry Rice going to the post,and Steve Young looking off him until the corner bites.'
Homer: 'Bart, watch your language.'
Bart: 'Oh, don't have a cow, man.'
I'm expecting radically different broadcast teams too. Call mecrazy, but when I hear the names 'Verne Lunquist' and 'Hank Stram,' Idon't free associate with 'young,' 'hip' and 'now.' Speculation hasFox hiring the CBS people, because they're good, solid pros. I doubtit. Do you think the network that developed 'A Current Affair' and'America's Most Wanted' - which are not exactly the 'Hallmark Hall ofFame' - cares about good, solid pros? Given Fox's tabloid bent,you'll get screaming halftime features like 'The Shocking Story ofPhil Simms's Encounter With A UFO!' Or, 'John Elway: I'm Gonna KillMy Dentist!'
Have a nice life, Greg and Terry; write when you get work. The onesure CBS hire is Madden. Madden is the 500-pound canary. He sitsanywhere he wants to. I'm guessing Fox teams him with Dweezil Zappaor Luke Perry. I hope Shannen Doherty is a studio host; I like thatpouty thing she does. Oh, right, you thought Fox would rather haveTim Ryan. Look, it's not just football anymore. Your sons and yourdaughters are beyond your command. Your old world is rapidly aging.
Speaking of changing times, what exactly were James Brown, BarryManilow and Stevie Wonder doing on a soccer show? How bizarre wasthat World Cup draw on ESPN? And do you think Manilow could possiblywear any more makeup?
What an odd show. Think about it: a live soccer draw from Vegas.Why Vegas? I didn't know you could bet on soccer. I mean, I neverheard anyone say, 'I'm taking Norway and giving one.'
Dick Clark, who is now at least 83 years old and whose face hasbeen lifted so many times he has to get on a stepstool to reach it,produced the show, which he claimed was watched by 600 million peopleworldwide - including all 140 soccer fans in the United States. Thenames of the 24 qualified teams were fixed inside plastic balls to bedrawn out by celebrities. (Before he drew, Robin Williams put on arubber glove and said, 'Turn your head and cough.') The balls restedin four 'pots.' The show took 90 minutes. So much pot, so littletime.
The U.S. drew Switzerland, Colombia and Romania in the firstround. I'm no expert, but I don't like our chances of beatingColombia nearly as much as when Pablo Escobar was catering thepregame meal.
For those of you with tickets to the matches at RFK (new roadsidesign: Last Stadium Before Laurel), you'll be amused to learn thatyour ticket plan gets you two games with Saudi Arabia. The Saudisplay all their home games on sand, so a grass field will be new tothem. Because of the fast friendships they made during Desert Storm,the Saudis have asked Wolf Blitzer to sit on their bench.
Getting back to football, some folks wonder why the NFL wasn'tmore loyal to CBS, which had broadcast their games for so many years.Loyalty was gone the moment St. Louis didn't get an expansionfranchise, even though Anheuser-Busch had been bankrolling the NFLforever. (CBS, by the way, is entirely off the radar now. They haveno baseball, no football, no pro basketball. The Road to the FinalFour is going to look awfully bleak by August. What do they counterwith on Sunday afternoons, 'Bon Appetit With Dick and Lesley'?)
You know how, late in the doubleheader game, Summerall will plug'60 Minutes,' 'Murder, She Wrote' and the Sunday movie? And how Frankand Al and Dan bring some cheesehead with a show to plug into the ABCbooth on Monday night? Well, Fox paid $1.6 billion for the right toload up every breathless stooge from 'Melrose Place,' and slap theirmugs on camera between quarters for four years. Fox may never get ashot like this again. If it were me, I'd be going all out to capturea generation of viewers. I'd hire Macaulay Culkin, Mariah Carey andD.J. Jazzy Jeff and stick them in the booth just to pump the Sundaynight Fox lineup - the kind of TV sex and violence you just won'tfind anywhere else - '60 Misdemeanors,' 'Murder And Rape, She Wrote'and the 16-game miniseries, 'The Rupert Murdoch Story,' starringJohnny Depp.
