Byline: NORMAN CHAD
For the 39th consecutive year, they played the Super Bowl; for the 39th consecutive year, I watched it. There was the usual array of quirky commercials, replay reversals and ex-presidents, and, in the end, the New England Patriots established themselves as the most unlikely dynasty since the Van Patten clan ran roughshod over Hollywood in the mid 1980s.
Anyway, I took notes.
2:25 p.m.: If I knew Tim McCarver was going to show up on Super Bowl Sunday, I would've watched 'Kung Pow: Enter the Fist' on FX instead.
2:42: Here's the thing about Terry Bradshaw: In the 17th century, he might've been the village idiot; in the 21st century, he's a potential running mate for Hillary Clinton.
2:57: Frankly, Kelly Clarkson on that pregame stage didn't exactly give me that Beatles-on-the-'Ed Sullivan Show' feel.
3:33: We get a preview of the upcoming Fox Soccer Channel. Thanks for the warning.
4:59: They just ran a Heineken commercial that scared me more than 'Apocalypse Now.'
5:13: At my MLS Cup party, I remember drinking too much Yoo-hoo.
5:38: Bill Belichick swears by Sun Tzu's military treatise, 'The Art of War.' Couch Slouch swears by Gallagher's concert film, 'Gallagher - Melon Crazy.'
6:31: If they wait any longer until kickoff, the NHL season might even start.
6:34: We probably could fix Social Security for less money than we spend on the Super Bowl coin toss.
6:38: To be honest, I wouldn't have been surprised to see Terrell Owens playing if he were in a body cast.
6:46: My neighbor says I make too much noise when I'm watching football. Yeah, like she doesn't shout during 'Iron Chef.'
7:16: One of my ex-wives calls in the second quarter. Of the Super Bowl. Needless to say, this is one of the reasons she is one of my ex-wives.
7:17: By the way, the next time I'm married, I'm including the TV Guide subscription in the pre-nup.
7:22: Best I can tell, we are a nation of Taco Bell, Pizza Hut and Subway. I'm not sure this is what the constitutional framers had in mind.
7:39: If I promise to watch every Fox show it promotes, will it promise to stop showing me the promos?
7:41: Man, Cris Collinsworth sure can yap it up.
7:41:30: You know, but I discovered a long time ago - you put a nut in front of a squirrel, he eats it; you put a microphone in front of a broadcaster, he talks into it.
7:48: Actually, I thought Freddie Mitchell looked pretty good in warm-ups.
7:52: If Bill Belichick's a genius, how come he can't wear a headset right?
7:58: Hey, careerbuilder.com - let's see what you can do with my resume and references.
8:20: When they introduce 'Sir' Paul McCartney at halftime, my Super Bowl guests - the Captain and Tennille - openly snicker.
8:46: With 11:26 to go in Super Bowl 14, Vince Ferragamo threw an incomplete on third-and-8. It remains the only play in Super Bowl history I have missed.
8:54: Sure, Tom Brady's got his Super Bowl rings, the actress girlfriend and movie-star looks. I've got TiVo.
9:25: Nothing personal against Robert Kraft, but I hate seeing rich people high-five.
9:53: Is it possible the Eagles left their no-huddle offense at the team hotel?
10:15: If you look up 'uphill' in the dictionary, you'll see a photo of the Eagles on their own 4-yard line with 46 seconds to go and no timeouts, trailing New England by three.
10:16: Hey, if the Patriots had been around in the 1400s, they might've given the Ming Dynasty a run for their money.
Ask The Slouch
Q. With college football over, what does Trev Alberts do until the fall? (Mark Coale; Virginia Beach, Va.)
A. As a rule, he spends the off-season constructing small dioramas depicting his favorite formations in his favorite stadiums.
Q. Do you believe Phil Jackson will return to coach the Lakers? (Benjamin Frank; Amsterdam)
A. I believe Phil Jackson will relocate to Nepal, live in a straw duplex hut and open a holistic hardware store before he returns to coach the Lakers.
Q. Have you ever stooped so low to bet Arena Football League games? (Barry Granik; Waukesha, Wis.)
A. Heck, I used to bet the over/under on the rabbi's sermon at Saturday services. Of course, this was when I was more spiritually inclined.
Q. With the increase in injuries to players hit in the face with penalty markers, do you think it would be a good idea for the NFL to switch from yellow flags to lemon meringue pies? (Terry Kane; Ravenna, Ohio)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. E-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist.
