Byline: TOM HOFFARTH Media
Editor's note: The following column might be unsuitable for immature readers. It has been written with a five-sentence delay to prevent any embarrassing paragraph malfunctions.
The office of NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, on a crisp winter day in New York, with George Bodenheimer, the sitting president of ABC Sports and ESPN, Inc., across the desk.
It's the final stages of negotiation between the league and Bodenheimer's networks to renew the TV rights to ``Monday Night Football'' for ABC and ``Sunday Night Football'' for ESPN. Tagliabue has been anticipating this moment since last week, when CBS, Fox and DirecTV coughed up $11.5 billion to re-up their AFC, NFC and ``Sunday Ticket'' packages, respectively, through 2009.
Tagliabue, picking up a glass candy dish: ``Care for a Cialis? It's the official you-know-what of the NFL.''
Bodenheimer: ``Thanks, but I'd rather you be excited about this latest proposal we've put on the table, Your Eminence.''
Tagliabue: ``First, let's discuss this little stunt you pulled recently. I thought we had an agreement.''
Bodenheimer: ``I'm sorry, sir. You're winking at me. Is there something in your eye?''
Tagliabue: ``Don't you remember the plan we discussed? In all cases where we issue the first statement condemning whatever it is you do, you need to wait one day to issue the standard apology, to make sure it's an ongoing story with a fresh angle. By the way, just loved how you handled rehashing it on 'SportsCenter' day and night pretending it's real news.''
Bodenheimer: ``That's the ESPN way.''
Tagliabue, flipping through a stack of paperwork: ``Anyway, this contract all looks to be in order. I'll just need to run it past our legal department and ... uh, hold on. What's this clause here on page 1,741? You have the right to renew 'Playmakers' without consent of the league.''
Bodenheimer: ``Well, uh, sure, it's our contention that, based on the creative license we had approved at the creative license department right down the hall here that we could, ahem, at our behest, create a second season of 'Playmakers' if we deemed it necessary to shamelessly increase our ratings.''
Tagliabue: ``Here's the problem. Drugs, sex, lust, violence, deceit ... where do you get this stuff?''
Bodenheimer: ``Ever watch Fox's Sunday morning pregame show?''
Tagliabue: ``So you would risk having ESPN's NFL live game coverage taken away by airing this trash again?''
Bodenheimer: ``We do plan to split the proceeds with you on all DVD sales. And we're considering Rush Limbaugh for a couple of cameo appearances, just to create some buzz.''
Tagliabue: ``Interesting idea . . . and what's this clause? You are the 'sole sector of future 'Monday Night Football' broadcast talent.' Is this some stupid halftime prank? Are we getting 'Sacked' here?''
Bodenheimer: ``Oh, so you're the one who's been watching that. Well, no, it's standard operating procedure as we see it. You're our partner, but only in an old-married-couple sort of way. We just tune out your complaints, basically, in exchange for billions of dollars of Disney gift certificates.
``The way it works, every year we reassess our broadcasting lineup, see what tawdry sideline reporters are out there to rent, scout comedians that are willing to end their careers, make sure Hank Williams Jr. hasn't gone VH-1 on us, then make our knee-jerk decisions, hoping someday to stop losing $150 million a year on this thing.
``In fact, let me float this idea: How does 'CSI: MNF' sound?''
Tagliabue: ``So your saying you may replace Meredith?''
Bodenheimer: ``Something like that. The problem with today's short attention span viewers is that ...''
Tagliabue motions for Bodenheimer to stop talking as his cell phone rings. It's NBC Sports chief Dick Ebersol on the other line.
Tagliabue: ``Ebby ... sure, everything's still on the table ... you're willing to do what? ... Curt Gowdy? ... how soon can you come by? ... 10 minutes is no problem ... see you then.''
Bodenheimer: ``Excuse me, but it's our understanding that ABC and ESPN have this exclusive negotiating period to renew our NFL contract without any other network interference, correct?''
Tagliabue: ``Sure, sure. Ebersol just wants to discuss a new 'concept' that won't affect anything we're talking about here.''
Bodenheimer: ``So, then, despite all your misgivings, we're all straight on everything?''
Tagliabue: ``Therein lies the problem, Georgie. You know I can't give the A-OK until ...''
There's a knock at the door, and a well-past-her-prime blonde wearing only a Mickey Mouse bathrobe appears with a silver tray and two glasses of champagne.
Bodenheimer: ``Since we're just about to wrap this up, I believe it's time for a toast. You know Nicky Sheridan, right?''
Tagliabue: ``I'm familiar with her body of work. What are you doing here?''
Bodenheimer: ``Now, Paulie, we're just gonna do a little celebrating.''
Tagliabue: ``Baby, it's the TV rights deal. Ebersol's gonna be here in 10 minutes . . .''
Bodenheimer: ``That's where Ms. Sheridan comes in. She's one of Disney's finest paralegals.''
Sheridan: ``Does someone need something notarized?''
Tagliabue: ``Baby, this is a major deal. I need to make sure we clear some of these things up first.''
Sheridan: ``What about our needs? What about Nicky?''
Tagliabue: ``Will you stop it. All of the NFL is counting on me.''
Sheridan: ``Well, I can't help myself. I love you, Tags. I'll do anything to get this contract signed.''
Sheridan opens her robe, slips it over her shoulders and slowly drops it to the floor. As Tagliabue's eyes widen, she leaps into his arms.
Tagliabue: ``Aw, hell, Ebersol's gonna have to do that meeting without me.''
SOUND BITES
WHAT SMOKES -- A good deed, indeed, by 1540-AM The Ticket for raising more than $5,500 from listeners to help replace the '92 Lincoln Continental stolen from former Chatsworth baseball coach Chuck Hatfield last month. In a ceremony Tuesday in Sherman Oaks, the station presented the 83-year-old Hatfield with a 2003 Chevy Malibu from Felix Chevrolet, which made up the difference in the cost of the car. Those who called the show that morning included former Chatsworth players, such as Justin and Matt Cassell, Pete Redfern.
WHAT CHOKES -- Prior to the Lakers renewing their cable agreement with FSN last May and their over-the-air package with KCAL Channel 9 this week, there had been discussions about a consortium of local cable operators creating a new Lakers cable channel that would be the exclusive local rights holder for games not on ABC, TNT or ESPN, just for its 2 million subscribers. This is similar to what's going on across the country with Comcast, etc., taking a step to secure an exclusive property and get a step up on satellite providers such as DirecTV, which are shut out.
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Photo:
SHERIDAN
Box:
SOUND BYTES (see text)
